Epiphanies for the impatient one...

So I had a series of little epiphanies over the weekend (and no internet to be able to share them), which started with one that occurred as I was sitting in the bathroom floor, my head covered in hair dye, reading a book about Julia Child. You see, I discovered that Julia Child never took a single cooking class until she was 37. I had to sit and ponder that for a second.

I am 33. And I am the most impatient person in the world. I don't have to have everything immediately, but I do have to have a goal and know what exactly I have to do to get there. And, once I know those steps, I will do everything I can to speed them up.

I haven't had that goal for several years now. In fact, I have been what I would consider a lost person. I have felt tremendous pressure to find my niche... find what I am meant to offer the world. There were times I thought I had found my place, only to have to give it up. And that urgent need to define who I am (when combined with other things) has led to a state of chaos that I have been in for several years now.

As I pondered all that Julia Child accomplished, and realized that my goals have never been anywhere near that high, I felt a sense of calm. I had to acknowledge that life will take you where it takes you. If you fight it, it will still get you there, it will just take longer. And I've never been one to want to wait to get anywhere.

So, starting with that moment, I tried to just take a deep breath and allow life to unfold. There's no sense in rushing... no sense in pushing... it will only add stress to a person who already handles that badly.

As I really started to look at my impatience, I could see the role it plays in the rest of my life. I saw the way that I want things to change the second that I decide to follow the right path. And how incredibly stupid that is. I can't change my entire world, especially since my world involves other people, overnight. And I can't change myself that quickly either.

I'm at a point where I have realized that I have the right foundation for the life that is ahead of me. There are very few people that I see as necessary in my life. Those people, who only include my kids and Not-So-Ex, have resumed the places they were supposed to hold and the four of us grow stronger every day because we work at it. Now that my foundation is strong, I can grow.

The first steps in this growth will be to provide fulfillment in my life outside of home. My first priority is to find a job where I can be proud of what I do. I have recently begun applying and, luckily, interviewing like mad, so hopefully there will be change in that area before too much longer. My second priority is my thesis. I have worked for several years now on my master's and completed everything but thesis. I'm not going to let that fall to the wayside. To get started on thesis again I had to make changes that I am scared of. But hopefully they were the right ones.

In addition to this outward growth, I am working on my insides as well. I have found that prayer often helps to calm my mind and cease some of the needless worrying that keeps my mind running in circles. When I was nervous this morning as I prepared for my incredibly busy day and my interview, I found so much help when I just stopped and prayed for my friends, my family, and myself. And when I got to work and found that my prayer for my "work mom" had been answered, I was thrilled.

Anyway, in the past I tried to change everything at once. And then couldn't understand why it didn't work. But from here on out I am going to try to slow down and let things develop as they should. To those who have suffered in the midst of the hurricane that I can occasionally cause, as always, I apologize. I hope that one day I will be able to offer a real friendship with a real, whole, at least mostly calm (let's face it I'll always be excitable) person.