But, even with the crud, I'm less miserable than poor Not-So-Ex right now. He had been used to running a bunch of small electrical jobs but now he's stuck on a big job at a chemical plant. A very dangerous chemical plant. And now, as the big jobs tend to do, the overtime has begun. He will work 60 hours this week. It would suck at any point but, coming off the vasectomy, it's extra tough on him.
During our first marriage, he always used to say that, every time he mentioned overtime, he could see me mentally adding up his paycheck. And it is true that, when he's on overtime, he makes more per hour than I make in a day. But it puts so much stress on him and on me too. He's exhausted and in pain. I feel guilty for being home when he would give anything to be here. I feel guilty for not being exhausted... for not being in pain. And, on days when I do work, I feel guilty for how little I can contribute financially.
And, more than anything, I just miss him. We only have the very early mornings (and I should point out here that neither of us is at our best in those early morning hours) and the evenings together. I miss just being with him.
And I also realize just how much I depend on him. It seems like I can never get anything really done without him, which makes me feel useless. I'm trying to do better since the overtime has started, so hopefully I can start taking care of more stuff, whether it's normally his department or not. In the long run, there's no reason I can't continue the house renovation work on my own. He's shown me what to do and how to use some of the tools I'm not familiar with. I lived for three years on my own, I should be able to handle everything now too. I've just gotta get used to it.
At the end of the day, it will all be worth it. The extra money will help ensure that we can get away for our anniversary. And that down time, with absolutely no responsibilities, should feel extra sweet after all the constant work. And, of course, there are other things too. A vacation further down the road, a trip to Pittsburg in Nov, a new couch that is desperately needed, and, of course, saving for a house. We've been feeling so pulled towards buying an old house and slowly renovating it. And God knows that will require serious money.
But we'll see what happens. Right now, getting through each day is accomplishment enough!
2 comments:
My husband leaves on the 6:55 am train and doesn't come home until 9:30 pm most nights - and here lately a couple 11 p.m. nights. Friday night he got home at 3 a.m. Saturday - they had to do some work while users weren't online. Maybe once a month he'll come home at 8 p.m. and lately he's had to work a lot of weekend hours and when he is home on the weekend he has to work from home and take calls. He is emotionally and physically exhausted - he looks like a POW - gaunt and gray. Jobs are so hard to come by that he has to do it. It's been this way for years. I hear you and I know your pain--there has to be a better way to live for all of us. Hope you feel better.
You poor thing (and him too)! The first time we were married, there were some times like that... times when he worked out of town and such. I think it would be worse if it wasn't for the fact that, since he's an electrician, we know every job is only temporary. I don't know that either of us could take it long term.
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