An open letter to Andy Dick

Dear Mr. Dick:

When in West Virginia (and I would guess most other places), it is not smart to grope unidentified men and lick them. Now, true, were someone like Adam Sandler to be in the area and grab and lick someone, there would be at least a moment of "I've-been-licked-by-awesomeness" swooning. But you are not Mr. Sandler; you are Andy Dick. So there is no swooning, only nausea. And then the cops get called.

It's sad because your visit to our state had such an auspicious start, as you were invited to perform for a whole weekend at the oh-so-aptly-named Funny Bone (and yes that crack comes from the brilliant Jacque Jo). But rest assured Mr. Dick, West Virginia has housed far more famous people than you. If you were ever to run into Martha Stewart, for example, you will now have an instant conversation starter. And, should the Manson Family ever try to "get the band back together," you could make a play for inclusion (plus you would have the envy of Mr. Manson himself who spent time here early on and really wants to come back). However, I wouldn't advise using your little visit to try to get closer to legitimate West Virginia stars like Jennifer Garner or Sam Trammel (to name a few) because they may actually be LESS likely (if that's even possible) to return your calls.

But anyway, I would be remiss if I didn't inform you that, despite being jailed, you got off pretty easy. You were lucky enough to be doing your groping and licking in Huntington, one of the two urban areas in the state. You see, in urban areas, people call the cops when someone goes too far. In rural areas, people handle things themselves.

I hope your time in West Virginia is short. However, if you feel the need to stay and clean up your act (again), I happen to know there are several lovely rehab facilities, a choice I would highly recommend. Good luck.

Sincerely,

P

Here's a little update and more info.