But, even with the crud, I'm less miserable than poor Not-So-Ex right now. He had been used to running a bunch of small electrical jobs but now he's stuck on a big job at a chemical plant. A very dangerous chemical plant. And now, as the big jobs tend to do, the overtime has begun. He will work 60 hours this week. It would suck at any point but, coming off the vasectomy, it's extra tough on him.
During our first marriage, he always used to say that, every time he mentioned overtime, he could see me mentally adding up his paycheck. And it is true that, when he's on overtime, he makes more per hour than I make in a day. But it puts so much stress on him and on me too. He's exhausted and in pain. I feel guilty for being home when he would give anything to be here. I feel guilty for not being exhausted... for not being in pain. And, on days when I do work, I feel guilty for how little I can contribute financially.
And, more than anything, I just miss him. We only have the very early mornings (and I should point out here that neither of us is at our best in those early morning hours) and the evenings together. I miss just being with him.
And I also realize just how much I depend on him. It seems like I can never get anything really done without him, which makes me feel useless. I'm trying to do better since the overtime has started, so hopefully I can start taking care of more stuff, whether it's normally his department or not. In the long run, there's no reason I can't continue the house renovation work on my own. He's shown me what to do and how to use some of the tools I'm not familiar with. I lived for three years on my own, I should be able to handle everything now too. I've just gotta get used to it.
At the end of the day, it will all be worth it. The extra money will help ensure that we can get away for our anniversary. And that down time, with absolutely no responsibilities, should feel extra sweet after all the constant work. And, of course, there are other things too. A vacation further down the road, a trip to Pittsburg in Nov, a new couch that is desperately needed, and, of course, saving for a house. We've been feeling so pulled towards buying an old house and slowly renovating it. And God knows that will require serious money.
But we'll see what happens. Right now, getting through each day is accomplishment enough!